5. WHAT IS GOING ON??? Swirling & Whirling Astrology Energy

I just don't know. I don't know what is happening...but I know that I don't exactly feel okay. And that's okay...it is..is it?? At least it's okay right now -- find me in the middle of the night and I'll probably have a different answer, or later in the day when all my kids are home and energies are raging and clashing, or any of the other waytoomanytimes over the past few weeks that my spirituality seems to vacuum suck out of my being and I'm left feeling a hollowed out victimized mess.

I don’t know what is going on…which is funny because I study the astrology and energies on a daily basis and what I’m feeling is ***right on time*** with all of this swirling and whirling, but yet, actually experiencing all of this inner conflicting turmoil and strife has been so jarring and off-putting that it ends up being completely perplexing, despite knowing that it's quite literally written in the stars. And to be clear--I love the perspective of the great Pam Gregory (mentioned and linked multiple times on my website), that this is "an inside job"; astrology isn't the work of "fating" people - don't go outside on this day or you'll have an accident, don't turn your computer on on this day or it will crash - fear-based outside-->in work. Astrology, rather, is merely superiorly accurate and supremely powerful information from the astral bodies, their archetypal energies and their relationships to each other, to be used as our co-creator magic, working INSIDE-->out. So instead of viewing astrology as the "tell me what is happening TO me," it is instead the: "this is what I will do WITH the energy." Astrology supports you in discovering the flavor/potency of where you can best direct your alchemical focus now and in the future (and illuminate where those energies were put to use from/for you previously, should you wish to look back) -- it's the life-hack, if you will, to optimize the reality and world that YOU want, based on where everything in that vast, gorgeous sky is right now (or will be at a future time) in relation to where everything was at the imprint of your entrance to this earthly realm. Pretty amazing.

Whoops that was an unexpected ADHS* (not a disorder but a superpower) tangent. What I was trying to convey is that just because there is a ton of swirlingwhirling conflicting/aggressive energy, suggestive of all types of combustion, that doesn't mean we're all going to literally combust in huge blow-outs or rage-quits or fights in the streets (though some of us, as always has been, will do so), so my immense personal challenges with my children and my husband were not guaranteed by this astrological imprint, but they are supported by it because that is how--and this word choice might be controversial...even within my own self--I have CHOSEN to act it out in order to propel me forward.

Whoa.

And YES, I do believe I am--we all are--propelling FORWARD. Amidst all of this pain, outward and--definitely for me--inward, we are all on course trajectory trending upwards...with lots of zigs and zags for so many of us but upward nonetheless.

The astrology is revealing to us all, right now, whether we've hit the a-HA moment or not, our old narratives::: what old stories do you tell yourself that hold you down on earth's new timeline? What old ways of being cut you right down to your wounded core? Where do you allow the Universe and these incredible, incredible new, expanding energies to heal you?

Let me be a little clearer on my personal struggles of late...

I have been clashing frequently and explosively with my oldest, who has Autism Spectrum Disorder and is now going through *gasp* puberty. --But see that? See that right there?? Even the *gasp* is a negative energetic - I actively create this reality based off of my fear--and our collective societal fear--of what it means to go through puberty both for self and for those around us. Sure, you can argue that this is a "realistic" perspective, which I would have joined in arguing to death just half a year ago, but that is not actual empirical FACT. It's one thing to have information/experience-based expectations: so, puberty can bring new challenges we have to face in new ways. But it's another thing to have emotional projections: I am a "recovering" pubescent girl who is terrified of the unexpected hormones and raging of pre-teens. I've just projected my very not good middle school experience onto my son and every other pubescent peer who have ever and will ever live. When, in fact, I have experienced perfectly lovely pubescent humans to the contrary in my 1.5 years as a middle school social studies teacher -- but I allow my own pain and fear around this age group to predetermine the experience I will have with my beloved children based on what I went through and what I fear they will go through. As well, this does NOT mean that my children and myself will be precluded from having any difficulty through their puberty if I just will it to be so...but it does mean that I will ensure at least my own difficulty if I lead fear-forward with expectations of the worst. The worst never disappoints when you've convinced your brain it will be there regardless of anything else.

Sorry...another tangent...I'm working through a lot writing this post here..

So my beautiful oldest boy, who I fought to keep in my body for two modified bedrest-laden months after first experiencing prelabor at six months pregnant, the one for whom I was not just mother but "security blanket," the one that loved me so much and so unconditionally that up until a few months ago made him cry that he couldn't marry me, now tells me I am a bad mother, a bad person, and he's just not sure if he loves me anymore.

The taking it with a grain of salt of it all -- mammoth grains of salt get spent in this house.

What's more, he is pubescent but he is also a human, incarnate on this planet at this time and he is no less experiencing the same swirlingwhirling energies that we all are. What's even more more, as a super empath/emotionally-connected ASD soul, he no doubt is even further sensitive to energies effecting his auric field than your average Joe. More and more and more grains of salt.

Then there's my middle guy. So clearly caught between his desperate grip on childhood/not losing his INCREDIBLE imagination + zestful joy, and witnessing the daily implosions of his older brother -- along with his mother's 4 prior years of PTSD breakdowns and the birth of his sister three years ago, kicking him out of his own relished baby of the fam status. He is a spiritual warrior who talks to trees and goes on litter pick-up walks, but then becomes confused by the volatility he has seen play out in his home and throughout his childhood. He, too, has been hurling hate directly at me and others, masking the pain that he has felt growing up next to emotional instability. More sting.

My sweet and crazy daughter, whom we lovingly refer to as a "lost boy," has upticked all her energetics as well. Baby girl has slept almost perfectly (there's a sticky word!) for her almost three years on this planet, but has spent the last five days S-C-R-E-A-M-I-N-G and hyperventilating for Mama Mama MAMA every night at bedtime. The last month has seen her find her "no" and her "my way or the highway" assertions with full-on shrieks, screams, and toy-throws, not just with me but with us all! Of course she is following a typical toddler path, but it definitely does not seem a coincidence to me that she chose this *precise* chef's kiss timing for it.

And then.......my sweet, sweet, loving soulmate. All the growing and loving and holding onto each other has crescendoed into the confusion of a VAST chasm of a space between us. We are both feeling it, collectively as parents, collectively as a couple, but independently as autonomous beings in need of our own personal soul healing and growth. We are desperate for each other even as we make deliberate and intentional decisions to disconnect from each other. I have a deep knowing that this all serves a much grander purpose -- a reckoning of our individual pasts for the creation of our best possible futures, separate and together -- but the pain of being so out of sync with my soul's mate is tremendously overwhelming. All that I am coming to terms with about my own role in our relationship floods the system and feels as though it repeatedly drowns out any progress I make. When I reflect on all of the victimhood I have experienced, I see the self righteous carte blanche attitude that I allowed myself to escape into, but I see it with kindness--well....right now in this moment I do...again, ask me this when those swirlywhirlies start whipping the world inside me around and see how different my perspective is!!! But this is an important truth: I KNOW that I am a good, kind-hearted, loving, beautiful soul. I know THIS is who I am -- this person, this perspective typing and making sense of things right now, this empath and this intellectual -- so when I experience the swirlywhirlies and even the f*cking fuglyuglies, I know who I am NOT::: that is why the fuglyuglies feel so so SO ugly - because they aren't me. All of those low, low low vibrational thoughts that crash through my mind when I am feeling my weakest and saddest and desperatist, all the thoughts that make me second-guess and victim-blame and shame and shame are momentary -- even if those moments stretch out, they are still transient impressions rather than pieces of my Loving soul. They feel so utterly bad and wrong because they are not who I actually am, they are just expressions of frustrations I am still learning through.

Still learning, yes. We're all always learning, but at this exact moment on this timeline we are all being confronted--whether we like it or not--with our old narratives, and a choice with what we do with them. Do we perpetuate and coast along the previous timeline, or do we rise and rise and rise to meet earth/humanity's new, emerging timeline, which necessitates that we metamorphose -- and without judgment for either path. Yes!! Without judgment, though it can seem self-evident to deem one "better" than the other, as it is nearly impossible for our monkey-minds to neutralize the linear, binary feelings that arise when considering a "lower," former timeline versus a "higher," transcended timeline. To me it really just feels like a matter of friction and unease versus free-flow and ease; we are all on this inward journey in our own ways, with our own thoughts/feelings/experiences and pathways. We all have the free-will to decide which way we go and exactly how we go that way; it is not a judgment to take more time to learn this current lesson, or to even ignore the lesson entirely! It just simply...is.

I've said a bunch of ugly, horrible things in my lifetime...most as a younger human but some even as a knowing-better adult. But that above...that might be one of the worst-feeling to actually write out -- and then publish out loud. I know this is what the astrology is crashing through my soul's door. I know it's time to face this old story once and for all. I feel it all the way through now...I've felt it every way from up and down to all around and in and out...I've felt it through myself, through my family my friends and strangers on my screen...I think I've even felt it karmically, through my ancestors and their heavy pain. I feel everyone's victimhood and I feel like I have to make it my own, on top of what I've already owned as my own personal life experience.

It's a choice I have: whether I'm ready to embrace this transmutation and GIVE UP my proclivity for victimhood once and for all, or if I need to continue feeling through this incredibly colossal and momentous learning.

This has been quite the writing on my end! This post started out ENTIRELY different than where it has gone. Upon reflection...it was actually originally steeped in victimization. But the evolution of writing the black and white of it has led me to quite a powerful place. Wow. There was a lot more I was going to relate here, but I honestly feel I need to just end this one. It's time to integrate some potent knowledge and see if I'm ready to face an old completion and step into a new beginning...always with kindness for myself and understanding if it isn't a clear/clean 180! Maybe things will need to wobble back and forth a few more times before the old fully topples and the new can arrive.