7. Just Zig-Zagging through..chaotic energy...

Remember just one post ago, when I was so enlightened and awakened and flooded with light and love and truth???

Life then swallowed me whole.

It was pretty intense. Almost immediately after posting that beautiful, heartfelt and truthful message, I plunged into *deep* shadow, my soulmate and me both. I still feel on a bit of shaky ground, but steady enough to be able start the hindsight look back; not quite with that incredible hawk's eye perspective, but feeling into more and more strength to be able to soar high enough to view alongside those beautiful flying raptors.

May, for me, was NOT in any way the "easy, flowing energy" that the astrology showed was available to harness...it was quite the opposite. What really happened? WHOOOOOO the hell knows, but it seems like my soulmate and I separately and unconsciously both decided it was time to kick up all the old baggage -- something so confusing and just utterly distressing, after naively believing myself to have "moved on." I mean, that entire last post was about the amazing gift of transmutation, taking all that past trauma and transforming it into the gift of unconditional love and transcendence! Then, almost immediately, it's like I turned my back to walk away from pain but that pain grew into a Leviathan and instantly devoured me whole. Similar to my experience with my last PTSD episode, this abrupt and completely unexpected nosedive from such a very high place left me despairing, questioning wtf was the whole point of these last 8 months?? What the REALLY effing f*ck. I actually closed out all of my open tabs of all podcasts, doc's, books, even this website/blog editor, and shrunk into myself. I didn't give up, necessarily...but I definitely felt a strange mixture of shame and threat, like I wasn't worthy of this spiritual journey because look what I somehow invited into my life after all of this hard but beautiful work (marvel, as I do, at the victimization of that sentence). Clearly, self, there is (and long will be) further growth to be had.

I had zero intention of sharing any of this (while I was in it) -- but what a missed opportunity; the entire purpose of this website+blog is to be completely open and vulnerable, to way-show MY journey without pretense or arrogance.

The messiness on this path is precisely what I need to communicate as far and wide as possible.

For anyone else who might see all of the promise of positivity but then you experience the opposite; for anyone who gets down on themselves, even spirals::: this is completely common and completely part of the process, in my extremely humble and budding opinion. We are all riding the chaotic energy wave.

1. I do truly believe that the zig-zagging is part of the process (for the vast majority of us, perhaps not all)...as painful+confusing+distressing as it can be.

2. Further, I wholeheartedly believe that this illusion of the human experience being one that is informed by pain and trauma as our "greatest teachers" is just that: a terrible, terrible perversion and illusion -- one that we're waking up from, slowly, as we all ascend and transcend alongside all living beings and this great, big, beautiful mother planet of ours. We are growing out of being blinded by pain, out of the relationship of trauma/hardship-->lesson/growth that renders a syndromatically Stockholm human experience.

3. And finally, I believe that we all chose to be here, RIGHT NOW, ushering in this new earth/new consciousness, perhaps knowing not the exacticities of the path but knowing that this path would be quite winding and challenging...which is, if nothing else, beautifully interesting to ponder.

Of course -- all of these words are a whole lot easier to share out to others than to internalize for myself...! I've never been good at taking my own advice, but just writing it out in black and white is helpful to keep me reminded of the power of my intention+words in creating the reality in front of me.

And so it is.

I send so so so so much love and kindness and GRACE to all of you <3 We all deserve it, we are all *worthy* of it, we are all not just "enough"--we are EVERYTHING.

Enjoy this month's forecast...it is even more beautiful than May's and my greatest wish is that we can all tap into and feel these nurturing energies, through and through <3<3<3